This is not at all what I expected my first post to be about.
A friend of mine just called. She is a dietician and a psychic. Her gift is identifying the foods we most need to nurture and heal us. She has a wonderful connection with spirit and a love of preparing and sharing nurturing, healthy, whole food.
Her guidance for me was to participate in an experiment around food to release issues and pain associated with my relationship with my mother. Her idea was for me to identify a meal from my childhood that my mother prepared; one I enjoyed, one my mother prepared when I felt her to be her most loving. The experiment then involves me preparing that meal once a fortnight/ month for a given time and in the process of preparing and eating that meal to identify any thoughts or feelings that arise so that I can let them go and move forward; thus healing the relationship between my mother and I. By releasing these long held beliefs of what a mother daughter relationship should look like I could finally see my mother for the wonderful woman she is; not the image I have created of her through a lifetime of expectations and assumptions.
Just as an aside: I have done much healing around my relationship with my mother and am finally, after 20 years, at a stage where can love my mother for whom she is and I know she did the very best for me that she could. My friend, however, feels I may still be holding onto some of past regrets, some of the pain and some of the blame – and she could well be right about that.
Immediately I flew into a panic around the idea of food and eating. My mother had issues with food and was constantly on a diet as I was growing up. Her behaviour impacted on me to the point that I identify some foods as being bad and restrict myself in relation to certain foods or alternatively over indulge to fill myself when I am emotional or stressed.
The only meal I remember really wanting more of was one my mother prepared for a dinner party. It was beef stroganoff. I was young and had never tasted anything so magnificent. I asked for a second helping and was not allowed as the remaining food was for the guests. Being a vegetarian now I would not eat beef and the idea of cooking with cream sent me into a mild frenzy. But the more I sat with the idea and thought about healing my relationship with my mother through food I realised this process my friend was suggesting would also be about healing my relationship with food and lead me to heal myself, to open up to who I am, to free myself from the restrictions I’ve placed on not only my eating but my being.
In the space of a few minutes I went from rigidly opposing the idea to being quite open to the experience. I know I can modify the original meal to be vegetarian, including tofu instead of beef and I can allow myself to enjoy a meal made with cream which also represents in some ways a nurturing ingredient in life and cooking.
I’ll let you know how things go.