What is this ‘flow’ they talk about?

Ideas, concepts, nature and art provoke contemplation in me. I can be occupied for days or weeks in quiet reflection; thoughts mulling about in the background as I go about my daily tasks. I graze and reflect, interpret and try out ideas for myself, finding links and truths, sometimes getting nowhere other times feeling sated by the mere joy of connecting with the brilliance of the original creator of the work.

I read the following idea in Rob Brezsnys’astrological newsletter and made note of it for further thought.

When they say, “Go with the flow,” what “flow” are they talking about? Do they mean the flow of your early childhood conditioning? The flow of your friends’ opinions? The latest cultural trends? Your immediate instinctual needs? When they say, “Go with the flow,” are they urging you to keep doing what’s easiest to do and what will win you the most ego points, even if it keeps you from being true to your soul’s code? Consider the possibility that there are many flows to go with, but only one or some of them are correct for you. Do you know which? Maybe it’s the one flowing in an underground cavern, far from the mad crowd.

My initial ruminations have led me to dismantle this and consider a piece at a time.

When they say, “Go with the flow,” what “flow” are they talking about?

 Good freaking point man.“In flow” too is another curious statement. I’ve always wondered what flow is, even though I’ve used this terminology myself. What do I actually mean?

Do they mean the flow of your early childhood conditioning?

Oh, hell no. That would be freaking disastrous. I would not like that flow. I’ve been trying to leave that ebbing cesspit behind me for most of my recent history, at least 20 years. (Lol. Recent!)

The flow of your friends’ opinions?

Nope. Well, maybe, sometimes. This isn’t always a bad thing. Others can have their opinions, I don’t need to convince them of mine. If I don’t like theirs I don’t have to follow but I don’t have to battle either. If their opinions impinge on my knowledge of what’s right for me then it’s a big no. If it’s about allowing and experiencing something new or different, then yeah, maybe that’s an okay flow to go with.

The latest cultural trends?

I’m not into trends or fads or fashions. So, no.

Your immediate instinctual needs? 

Perhaps this is it. The key here would be to separate self-indulgence from instinct but if we feel something is right why not go with it? This might actually cause a flow state.

When they say, “Go with the flow,” are they urging you to keep doing what’s easiest to do and what will win you the most ego points, even if it keeps you from being true to your soul’s code? 

Well, clearly not. Why would you? Do I do this? Umm, yeah, maybe I do what’s easy sometimes but ego points? I don’t understand that. I don’t consciously do anything that would keep me from my soul code. I think that’s all part of becoming aware and conscious. I strive to unlock my true self, my psychic abilities, my talents. I don’t want to stay away from them any longer. I want to move toward and into them now. Yes, there are triggers and behaviours and habits I am trying to unlock and dissolve so I can come into myself more fully. There is talk of peeling back the layers of the onion. But what’s at the centre? Anything? What happens when there are no more layers? It’s all learning and all part of the magnificent course of life. Maybe this, right now, is the me I am meant to be, the suffering and the joy, the stumbling, the getting up and moving forward are all part of it.

Consider the possibility that there are many flows to go with, but only one or some of them are correct for you. Do you know which?

This statement I agree with. There clearly is more than one flow. We need to be aware of the flow we choose to go with and aware of the consequences. Sometimes there is no harm in catching a ride, just know when to get off. Choose flow that aligns with your heart. Hop on a current that scares you occasionally to see where it leads. Let your heart and intuition guide choice here, I think.

           Maybe it’s the one flowing in an underground cavern, far from the mad crowd.

Anything away from the maddening crowds sounds good to me. The forest. The beach. A mountain top.

What flow will I choose today? The flow of my heart I think.

What does flow mean to you? Have you caught a particularly interesting current lately?

 

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From rollercoaster to transformation – Happy New Year

As we know ourselves more, truly anything is possible. When you connect to your true self, then life is limitless and anything you can possibly imagine can be your reality.” ~Yut

I rode an emotional rollercoaster in 2018 and at times experienced a curious duality where I felt like I was watching from a higher vantage point, witnessing the ride, the twists and turns and the transformations. It was a challenging year yet one of the richest and most rewarding years of my life. My 22-year relationship and 20-year marriage dissolved in January. I was floored and absolutely broken for a time. Can I say that 12 months on I’m completely healed? Can we ever say that with absolute certainty? There’s so much involved and tangled up in the healing process of a relationship of this length ending, but I’m in a good place, a solid place.

One of the biggest priorities for me, after this unexpected wake up call, was to strip back a lifetime of behaviours and exceptions to rediscover who I was before all the years of conditioning.

I now realise the absolute truth in the saying – “behaviour happens in a context”.  So often over the course of the year I found myself behaving ‘out of character’, then realising that perhaps it wasn’t. Perhaps it was just different to the way I had behaved previously, under the veil of restriction.  There were times my opposite reaction to what I might previously have chosen, was a stunning revelation.  I feel like I am blooming. I feel alive and full of love for life.

I realise now I have spent the majority of my life carefully crafting a persona that I thought others wanted of me, wanted me to be. I projected to the world a conventional, well-behaved, educated, ‘proper’ front.  It never sat well with me, but I felt my worthiness was measured by toeing the line and by striving to be the best at anything I could be.  I strove for perfection. I created routines and structures to keep the illusion going. I did this to support a need for validation and to feel safe.  I needed to feel safe in a world where I was neglecting my true self.

So, imagine the chaos a marriage breakup causes to someone who has behaved in line with perceived expectations, who has restricted themselves for the benefit of others, who has chosen not to follow their passion, so others could follow theirs, who has hidden their spirituality because it wasn’t approved of or understood, who did not reveal their strongest, deepest desires for fear of ridicule. It throws everything off kilter and out of balance.

I had put myself in a box and suddenly I had the opportunity to see life, the world and myself differently. 2018 was a year of summoning all my courage to delve deeply into and take personal responsibility for how I had been. It was a frightening, revealing and ultimately satisfying journey to openly look into the dark crevices of my emotions and behaviours to learn how I had been blocking my own growth. In my pursuit of a more meaningful life I built a relationship with myself that I had abandoned at a young age.

 To find the true me, to allow her to emerge, I had to be willing to let go and erase parts of myself that were causing chaos rather than bringing balance. For the first time I started to listen to my passion rather than my fear. It was uncomfortable at first for the façade I’d presented to the world had to go.  Some people around me were challenged by my emergence, while others fully supported and cheered me on. I can’t thank these amazing, genuine, loving people enough for stepping forward to support me. Having these incredible people around me and accepting their love and support has been a humbling experience.  I cannot begin to name them all for they are many; they live close and afar, we have known each other for years and relatively recently. I have grown as a result of their love as much as my own self-discovery.

As this year begins I am full of a love for life that is new to me. I am full of love for friends and family. I feel strong. I feel more fully myself than I ever have. I am learning to love myself, the whole mixed bag of contradictions, intricacies and quirks. This is a year of continued transformation and I am so very excited for what lies ahead.

Happy New year.